Fantanography

Fantanography                                      October 2019

We hear a lot of talk about pornography, but most people don’t really understand why it can be so devastating.  We don’t hear a lot of chatter about fantasy.  So let’s talk about the root of this two-gender problem.

Oddly, I would like to quote the words of a gay friend who is now a Christian.  He says, “I am attracted to men. That is never going to change most likely. However, what has changed is that I don’t do anything about it.“ People get turned on by photographs, movies, wealth, places, events, and all sorts of things. I don’t think you can control the instantaneous reaction of something in your subconscious mind. I’m not telling you to do that.

The human condition is to compare and contrast. Whether he likes it or not, a man who is looking at pornography is comparing that to his wife or even his fiancé. If his wife is blonde, he may prefer the brunette in the pornography.  The size of the components of the pornographic body may be different from that of his wife. And so the comparison begins. That is the problem.

For women, the comparison is less about the body and more about the emotions. The fantasy man in the novel is more caring, more loving, or more intelligent than her husband. Again, the comparing and contrasting takes on a role that is inappropriate. The man in the book is fiction.   He does not exist in reality and so he also is faultless. He cannot be examined for motive, method, or subconscious thoughts beyond what is written.   How cruel have been the comments in our lives such as, “I wish you were more like your sister when it comes to homework.”

When we shelve the needs of our spouses, we have started a downward slide. They can never match up to the perfection that the pornography or the fantasy present.   Shoot, even the “star” of the film or the book could not match up to the image that has been portrayed.   Carey Fisher did a great interview about being Princess Leia and the expectation of her fans to always be Leia.   Those with whom we live expose their good and less-than-good nature to us. We didn’t marry them because they were perfect. We married them because they were good enough and because we were acceptably good enough for them to take us.

(If you are single, this all still applies, because the fantanography will set unfulfillable expectations for every future relationship. It has the potential for robbing you of a good one.)

These two abnormal but all-to-common cases in and of themselves are bad, but when the spouse finds out about these activities, things get much worse.   Heartbreak!

As the songs says so accurately for success, “All of me loves all of you.”   And from the marriage vows – “Will you have this woman/man to be your wife/husband, to live together in holy marriage? Will you love her/him, comfort her/him, honor, and keep her/him in sickness and in health, and FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, be faithful to her/him as long as you both shall live?” I WILL is the common response which speaks of the future.   The more immediate response, which implies from this moment forward is I DO.